It was a few years ago that I started thinking this could be the last summer we do this or that free from the burden of kids. (yep, we used to say things like that - little did we know the burden would actually be getting those kids.) What stands out most in my mind is a summer camping trip we take every year with a group of friends from college. Definitely not the kind of trip that would be appropriate for little ones, but loads for fun for us bigger ones.
We were on one of these adventures the first time we ‘slipped’ up on our birth control. It was late afternoon, we were having the most wonderful time, we got caught up in the moment, and, well, one thing led to another. I knew it was late in my cycle, but oh my god, we hadn’t planned on this, and anything was possible. I was happy. Really happy. Just knowing that there was a possibility that we could have conceived made me so happy. Just knowing that he might be ready to really start trying made me so happy. It was a pure innocent kind of happiness, a calm happiness that I yearn to have again.
I was sure that trip we were on that summer would be the last one like it that we took without kids.
Fast forward to 2010. Yeah, so here we are years later planning the annual summer camping trip, headed back to the same forest where the first (what was supposed to have been fateful) incident took place.
I am excited about a vacation and spending time with our good friends. I especially love vacations because I get to spend so much time with him. The timing of the trip is really nice because we will be just finishing up four months of hormone therapy that is supposed to generate sperm production. We’ll get the SA before we leave, (expecting negative results), and will probably appreciate a chance to get away and grieve together.
I don’t find myself thinking anymore that maybe this will be the last summer we do this without kids. I just want to find a way to enjoy the experience without any expectation of what comes next. I want to enjoy the moment, to love in the moment, to let go of these expectations and fears and enjoy it for what it is. This is my life and I’ve spent too long thinking about conception and planning my life around it. This is it. It may or may not be our final summer trip without kids. Regardless, this is my life, and it is up to me to live it.
1 comment :
I love this post! I can relate to the "this is our last summer" thoughts. Every year for the past few years, I think the same thing as I'm walking around the annual summer festival in my hometown. At first those thoughts were so exciting, and then they got to the point where it affected my enjoyment of something I've loved since childhood! I'm glad you have found a way to stop those thoughts. It's true that it's time for all of us to just live in the moment. Try to enjoy things for what they are instead of what they "should" be or "could" be. I hope you have a fantastic trip!
By the way, you're clearly a stronger person than I am anyway - I'm the biggest whiner when it comes to camping. *shudder* :)
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